How to Complete your Stress Response Cycle: A Guide Parents
Let’s be honest, parenting is stressful! Becoming and being parents on the back end of a global pandemic only adds to that stress. Rather than focusing on ways to avoid stress, I’m here to share 7 ways to help your body and mind complete its stress response cycle and rebound following times of high stress. So grab your favorite drink, take a nice deep breath, and read on!
THE TRUTH ABOUT STRESS
Stress (understandably) gets a bad rep. The research is quite clear that long-term, chronic stress is bad for our health. It can contribute to health problems including cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and gastrointestinal problems. But the truth is, it’s not all bad.
While high levels of stress can be problematic, stress is a common and natural part of our existence. Stress serves an important basic survival function and anxiety functions as an alarm system that’s activated whenever a person perceives danger or a threat. We have this internal system to thank whenever we instinctively hit the brakes to avoid a collision when traffic suddenly backs up on the freeway or we encounter a snake while out on a trail run.
In manageable amounts, stress can also be motivating and help us get things done. It can serve as a helpful boost of adrenaline before an important presentation or during a sporting event. We can’t “self-care” our way into completely getting rid of stress and anxiety…and from an evolutionary standpoint, we don’t want to! The goal is to learn how to better cope with it throughout your day and find healthy ways to rebound from it before you’re overloaded.
ABOUT STRESS, ANXIETY, AND THE STRESS RESPONSE CYCLE
When the body and mind react to danger or a perceived threat, you feel the physical sensations of stress—things like a faster heartbeat and breathing, tense muscles, sweaty palms, an upset stomach, or shaking hands or legs. These sensations are part of the body’s fight-flight-freeze response. They are caused by a rush of adrenaline and other chemicals that prepare the body to make a quick getaway from danger or fight. Again, this is a good thing and has done a very effective job of keeping humans alive for thousands of years.
The fight-flight-freeze response happens instinctively when a person senses a threat. It takes a few seconds longer for the thinking part of the brain (the cortex) to process the situation and evaluate whether the threat is real, and if so, how to handle it. If the cortex sends the all-clear signal, the fight-flight-freeze response is deactivated and the nervous system can relax. Like all biological processes, the stress response has a beginning, a middle, and an end. If we can move all the way through the stress response cycle, we stay healthier.
Stressors (traffic, financial pressure, interpersonal conflict) are a part of life. In their book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle.”, identical twin sisters Drs. Amelia and Emily Nagoski explain that it’s our response to these stressors that matter.
They write:
“The good news is that stress is not the problem. It’s how we deal with stress—not what causes it—that releases the stress, completes the cycle, and ultimately, keeps us from burning out. You can’t control every external stressor that comes your way. The goal isn’t to live in a state of perpetual balance and peace and calm; the goal is to move through stress to calm, so that you’re ready for the next stressor, and to move from effort to rest and back again.”
LEARNING FROM TODDLER TANTRUMS
As a therapist that does a lot of work around anxiety and stress, I’m no stranger to the stress cycle. As a human, I’ve also experienced it countless times myself. It wasn’t until I watched my son experience a mega toddler tantrum that I really saw and appreciated the stress cycle in action.
It was during the early months of the pandemic, and I had just finished listening to an episode of Brene Brown’s podcast, Unlocking Us, where she interviews Drs. Emily & Amelia Nagoski about their incredible work on burnout. I can’t recall the context of my son’s upset (likely me peeling a banana incorrectly or not allowing him to jump off something that was too high), but I can clearly recall the eruption of feelings that ensued.
If you are a toddler parent, you can likely relate. There was lots of screaming, crying, and flailing on the floor–the works. It was a brutal, loud, sweaty, heart-wrenching tantrum. My kiddos are big feelers (what do you expect with a therapist mom?) and this one was of the usual high-decibel intensity.
I remember staying close to him, trying my best to help him through it when all of a sudden, he turned a corner, and the tantrum was over. He stopped crying, rubbed his eyes, and proceeded on with this day as though the last 20 minutes hadn’t happened. What was that? I thought to myself, still spinning from the intensity of it all. It was wild the way he had seemingly gone through a dark tunnel and come out on the other side. That’s when it hit me: He completed the stress cycle. It was incredible (and a bit infuriating if I’m being honest).
His high-decibel expenditure of emotions released his build-up of stress and emotional gunk, and he was ready to move on with his day. Meanwhile, I needed a second to catch my breath and take myself through my own stress response cycle.
Toddler tantrums are the perfect example of how important it is to complete the cycle and move all the way through the “emotional tunnel.” If we don’t, the residual build-up of stress and emotional gunk is what ultimately causes burnout and can make us feel unwell (both mentally and physically). In other words, taking time for yourself, taking care of yourself, and completing your stress cycles are vital for your overall health and well-being.
Does that mean you have to have a toddler-like tantrum every time you feel stressed or anxious? Rest assured, there are better ways to help your body complete the cycle.
7 EVIDENCE-BASED STRATEGIES FOR COMPLETING YOUR STRESS RESPONSE CYCLE
Physical Activity and Dance Parties
This is not just about going to the gym or a workout class. Dancing, burpees, jumping jacks in your pajamas – all types of movement count! Running, swimming, even stomping your feet, screaming, or punching your pillow will work. The key is to use and move your body. Since stress is physical, physical activity is a big part of completing stress cycles.
Parenting hack: check out the 30-Second Dance Party Button. It’s an incredible (and easy) way to lighten the mood and release the tension valve for your family.
Consider finding or creating a go-to playlist that you can put on when you need to move. Musicals, rap, country, dance beats, and even Blippi can all work!
Get Creative and Make Something
Do you like to knit, paint, sing, write, make music, or play with modeling clay? Whatever creative endeavor speaks to you, do it.
Need a little inspiration – check out Eve Rodsky’s book “Find Your Unicorn Space” to tap into your creative side.
Positive Social Interactions
According to the Naogskis: “Casual but friendly social interaction is the first external sign that the world is a safe place.” Research shows people with more acquaintances are happier. Saying “Have a nice day” to the cashier or complimenting another person reassures your brain that the world is a safe, sane place, and not all people suck. It helps!
When I start feeling like “the world is not a terrible place,” my favorite activity is to go for a walk around the neighborhood. I make a point to say “hello” or “good morning” to anyone I encounter on my stroll, and I encourage you to do the same! It will help you feel better, and you might just brighten someone else’s day – a true win-win!
Laughter
Laughing, especially when you can laugh with someone else, is a way to release and express all the emotions we’re keeping inside.
Remember emotions are like tunnels. If you go all the way through them, you get to the light at the end. Laughter helps with this, as does recalling a funny story that previously made you laugh.
Life hack: Create a folder, Pinterest board, photo album, or saved Reels of light-hearted and easily-accessible content for when you really need a good laugh.
Need some inspiration? Check out these female comedians guaranteed to provide some parenting comic relief!
Crying
Crying is one of our body’s mechanisms to release stress. It’s important not to be so embarrassed by our tears that we attempt to stop them from coming out.
Crying is good for everybody. Babies cry because it’s good for them, and it’s just as good for teens and adults.
Physical Affection
Physical affection helps your body release trust and bonding hormones like oxytocin, which chases away any lingering sense of danger your body may be holding on to. As our hormones shift, our heart rate slows and our body begins to feel safe.
You don’t have to have a romantic partner, to reap the benefits of physical affection. Ask someone you feel safe with to give you a long, strong hug (about 20 seconds according to the research) or spend some time with a loving pet.
Deep Breathing
Breathing can also help to deactivate danger signals and help our bodies return to a “safe” state.
Find a breathing tool that resonates with you. Here’s a simple one that I like: breathe in slowly for five seconds, hold that breath for five more seconds, and then exhale for ten seconds. Just a few minutes of this practice can calm down your vagus nerve and complete your fight-or-flight stress response.
So, how often should we be completing our stress response cycle? After a particularly stressful day of parenting, check in with yourself to see how you’re doing. Ask yourself: What do I need? What would feel good to my body right now? Use the list above to help you figure it out.
Do you need to find the tallest hill in your neighborhood to walk up? Is there a friend or fellow parent you can call to share, connect, and maybe even laugh with? Or maybe you’re craving a much-needed yoga class?
The answer won’t always look the same. Sometimes your body will need different things depending on the particular stressor. The reality is that stress isn’t going anywhere. You will have plenty of chances to try again and find what works for you. There’s a bit of a trial and error involved, but as long as you try, you’ll figure it out as you go.
Need helping managing your stress? Feel free to reach out for a free consultation to hear a bit more about me and how I hope support parents!