The Hoodie is Fine - A Story About Picture Day and Mom Guilt
Last week, I completely forgot it was picture day at my kid’s school. No carefully chosen outfit (that he likely wouldn’t have worn anyways), no brushed hair, no pep talk in the car. Just my child, in his everyday Nike hoodie, heading out the door.
The moment I realized as we pulled up to school and saw all the collared shirts, styled hair and cute fits, my brain jumped straight into a familiar shame spiral: “What kind of mom forgets picture day?”
And just like that, my inner critic was off and running.
Where That Voice Comes From
That voice isn’t just my own (though she’s been around longer than I can recall). It’s also shaped by the patriarchy and what researchers call the “Perfect Mother Myth.”
Sociologist Sharon Hays, in her book The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood (1996), describes how modern motherhood has been defined by intensive mothering: mothers are expected to be endlessly nurturing, self-sacrificing, and fully responsible for their children’s success. More recent studies echo this, showing that mothers report higher guilt and self-blame when family routines don’t meet cultural ideals (Liss, Schiffrin, & Rizzo, 2013).
I experienced that in my own family system. When I called my husband for reassurance, he didn’t feel the same sense of responsibility or failure that I did. Instead, he was able to quickly reframe it with a laugh: “Well, at least the photo will look like him on a regular day.” For me, it had already stirred up a deeper sense of guilt and self-blame. That contrast was a reminder of how gendered these cultural messages are, and how much heavier they land on mothers.
The Perfect Mother Myth in My Head
From a parts work perspective, the loudest voice that showed up after forgetting picture day was my inner critic. It immediately repeated the cultural script of the Perfect Mother Myth:
“Every other mom remembered, why didn’t you?”
“This proves you can’t keep it all together.”
In the moment, that voice felt convincing. But it wasn’t the truth—it was the Perfect Mother Myth talking. And when I could name it as that, I created just enough space to pause, take a breath, and remind myself: this is a story I’ve inherited, not a fact about my worth as a mother.
The Real Cost of the Myth
The pressure isn’t just personal—it’s systemic, but it has real-life impacts (particularly on moms).
A 2024 study found that mothers shoulder about 71% of household mental load tasks, compared to only 45% for fathers. That’s nearly 60% more effort borne by moms every single day.
A 2025 report from Bright Horizons found 74% of working mothers say they carry the mental load for parenting, versus just 48% of working fathers.
Another recent study showed that moms handle a whopping 79% of daily mental labor—the endless planning, remembering, and organizing that keeps families going.
These numbers make one thing clear: the myth that “good moms just handle it” comes at a steep cost—emotional exhaustion, stalled careers, and the constant erosion of mothers’ well-being.
A Different Story
Here’s what I teach my clients (and I’m practicing myself):
Name the spiral. “I’m starting to feel shame about forgetting picture day.”
Name the myth. “This is the Perfect Mother Myth talking, not the truth about me.”
Bring in compassion. Remind myself: I’m not a bad mom. I’m a human with too many damn balls in the air.
And maybe that’s what our kids need most - not polished picture-day moms, but real-life moms who sometimes forget things and choose compassion over shame. Because in the end, maybe the best photos are the ones that capture our kids on a regular day - messy hair, everyday clothes, dirt under their fingernails and all.
References
Hays, S. (1996). The Cultural Contradictions of Motherhood. Yale University Press.
Liss, M., Schiffrin, H., & Rizzo, K. (2013). Maternal guilt and shame: The role of self-discrepancy and fear of negative evaluation. Journal of Child and Family Studies.
Hochschild, A. R., & Machung, A. (1989). The Second Shift. Viking.
Daminger, A. (2019). The cognitive dimension of household labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633.
Bright Horizons (2025). Modern Family Index.
Powers Health & BPS (2024). Studies on mothers’ share of household mental load.